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Sunday, 19 September 2010

Men's pants and erroneous leopards

Hello my dearies.  And also my cheapies.

Now, the other day I was sitting (well, no, actually I was squatting and hovering, in the approved 'using a foreign toilet' way which, now I come to think of it was rude because she's a friend and her sofa was quite clean), when I had a realisation.  This blog has been going for numpty-numpty weeks now, and yet you know so little about me!  Other than that I write books and can talk about nothing for ages.  So I have decided to rectify that, with this week's post, where I shall edify you!  Yes, this week's post takes the form of that thing that is so popular on Ye Olde Face-e-booke, the '10 things you didn't know about me'.  Hold on to your hats and prepare the line to the Daily Mail, some of these things may shock you....

1.  I collect men's underpants.  Well, no, collect is probably the wrong word... what is the word I'm thinking of?  Ah yes, perve over.  But only those nice tight ones, not the baggy things that look like some kind of cross between a loin cloth and a skin condition.  And they must be tight because they're designed that way, not because the wearer bought them when he was fifteen and has worn them ever since, forty intervening years and nine accumulated stone notwithstanding.

2.  I am made of cheese.
3.  I knew the Lord of the Rings when he was still known as the Prince of Diamante Brooches. Nice lad,  big fan of the Sound of Music.
4.Um.  I must be able to think of more than three fascinating facts about myself.  Did I mention the cheese thing?  Oh.
5.  All right, stop it now.  Oh, no, hang on, I've just thought of another one. I can call buzzards.  No, really.  I make this kind of squeaky-whistling noise with my tongue, and ....look, it's like a whistle, sort of 'thweeep thweep', all right?  I can't explain it any better than that.  Anyway.  Buzzards seem to like it.

This is a buzzard.  Just in case you thought they were, like, leopards or something.  Look, I'm making no judgements here about your general state of intelligence - honestly, the number of times I've been talking to someone about, ooh, I don't know, Vichyssoise or something, and they'll have this intelligent face on and apparently be really interested in what I'm telling them only to turn round at the end and say 'vichyssoise?  Those are those little insects, aren't they?'  So.  I'm just saying.  Buzzards look like this.

                                                                This is a leopard.

6.  I can tell the difference between a buzzard and a leopard.  So few can.  Honestly, it's a tragedy.
Now, let's gloss over the fact that Interesting Facts 7 through to 9 are really boring, and go straight for number 10.
10.  I am incredibly irresistible to the opposite sex. And you, you can stop sniggering, some men really like women who are made of cheese and can make conversation with buzzards.

And with those interesting facts, I shall leave you for now.  It's time to walk the leopard.


Sarah Callejo said...

Ok, so whistling to buzzards. Hmmm. I'm sure that will come in handy at many points in your life, like when you can't find a pigeon to send a message.
And do you collect the underpants with the filling or empty?

Chris Stovell said...

Stay away from graters and start wearing the Protective Pants!

Cat Marsters/Kate Johnson said...

See, I know you're lying, because the other day I was talking to the moon and he said he was the only one made of cheese. And honestly, would the moon lie to me?