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Monday, 13 September 2010

We never put a healthy @#*$ down.

As any of you who have paid even the scantest attention to me recently will know, I am in the process of editing my new book (Please Don't Stop the Music- published 01 February by Choc Lit publishing, available from Amazon and all good book retailers shortly). 

And it may astonish you to know - for I am a clean living and well spoken individual - that a major portion of my editing is taking out swear words.

Aw, come on, can you imagine this face swearing at you?  This is a face that likes kittens!

So now I must put out an appeal.  Let us find homes for these now-unwanted swear words!  Yes, a bugger is for life, not just for Christmas!  And besides, I'm up to my knees in them, I mean seriously, and these things are expensive to maintain.  So, if you feel you can take a homeless swear-word to your heart, then make a donation today, or even offer a home to a lonely bloody.  These words were someone's vocabulary once; they were loved, appreciated, given a place in a sentence and now they find themselves excised from a manuscript with no sense of remorse! Cast out into the lonely cold world!  Doesn't it bring a tear to your eye?

Give what you can now and maybe you can save a sodding hell from a miserable end.

Imagine their little faces when they open the box and a bastard and two pillocks jump out to greet them!

And now, with your guilt well and truly invoked, I must leave you to return to my rehoming of all those dubious words... and I'll put you down for a buggery, shall I?


Benjamin Sherwood said...

You can put me down for a buggery any time.

... No, wait... That's not right.

Sarah Callejo said...

Sorry, I'd love to help but then my 3 year old will insist on taking them to school and his teacher doesn't allow them in.
Good luck with the rehoming, I'd suggest you try with Swearers Without Borders or the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Blasphemous.

Chris Stovell said...

So how long is the book without the swear words then?

Jane Lovering said...

@ Ben - already done, I've got you down for a big, difficult to handle one.

@ Sarah - but they're so loveable and cuddly! Teachers, huh, what do they know? And besides, teachers are some of the biggest owners of swear-words in the world.

Chris - much shorter. Much, much @$&*ing shorter.

Margaret James said...

I have noticed that as I get older I use the f-word more and more, so I confidently expect to have full-blown Tourette's by the time I am seventy, and no friends.

Michelloui said...

Hmm. I am in need of a swear word clear out I must admit, otherwise I'd have a few myself! But are they really so bad? I know Im being reckless saying that, but really. If that's how a character speaks...why cut it?

Jane Lovering said...

@Margaret - The thing is, I rarely swear in real life. I get it all out of my system on paper. Very odd. Anyway, by the time you're seventy you're allowed to swear and dribble and keep cats and all those other things. It's obligatory in several counties, I think.

@Michelloui - I think the problem is that every word must pull its weight, and swear words are 'empty' words, just used for emphasis or even just for something to say. Like the 'well's and 'just's of this world. I'm not cutting them all, some are staying because they are what the character would say. And often, when I've cut them out, you can't even tell where they've been -so I reckon they won't be missed.

Until they turn up going through your bins and chasing the cat, that is.

Christina Courtenay said...

Sorry, can't help you either Jane. Apparently I swear too much while driving (road rage, moi? Never!) so probably best to rehome them with some other calmer person. Preferably one who doesn't live in London where the @&!?~#$ taxi drivers and cyclists drive you mad!! :)

Lynda Young said...

lol amusing post. It's interesting you are taking them out. It seems a lot of writers want to put more in.
W.I.P. It: A Writer's Journey

Talli Roland said...

Sure, bring it on! I've always wanted to house a little bastard!

Cat Marsters/Kate Johnson said...

Aw, I'd love to take a few, but I can't imagine the carnage if the Demon Puppy got hold of them.