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Sunday, 10 October 2010

Snot, Bill Oddie, and the Squeaky Nose mystery.

Here's a thought.

Here's another one.  Let's wait until they bump into each other and form an idea, shall we?  You might want to supply your own 'tumbleweed' noises, we could be in for quite a wait.

You see, I've had a cold.  And when I have a cold, all my thought processes cease to function,  I think it's something to do with my having to produce my own bodyweight in snot every 24 hours.  Honestly, where does it all come from?  And then there's the dread of being caught without a tissue - one really good projectile sneeze and me and everyone around me is festooned with something like Hell's answer to christmas tinsel.  Which is then followed by the 'furtive blow', when you have to use your sleeve or T shirt hem or hood to clear up after yourself without anyone having occasion to ask 'are you wiping your nose on your shirt?'  The good old "Is that Bill Oddie?" technique works well here, misdirecting attention (or at the very least making everyone climb underneath the table) for long enough for sinus clearance to take place.  Of course, this only works once, more than that and everyone gets a bit suspicious. After all, just what would Bill Oddie be doing half way down my hallway at nine o clock on a Friday night?

He might look innocent, but you don't want it peering through the bannisters at you, do you?

And, let me tell you, a cold has side-effects, including the dreaded 'Squeaky Nose'.  I was awoken by same, one night last week.  Lay there for a while, listening to the 'ooooowEEEEEEE' sound of my own breathing until it reached irritation point.  Got up.  Blew nose.  Lay down again.  Peace reigned for several seconds, and then the 'oooooooowEEEEEE' returned, now with added echo-effect.

Turned over.  Noise now became heavier on the 'OOOOOOOOO' with the 'eeeeee' happening in the minor register.

Sat up and poked nose vigorously with tissue.  Half brain fell out on bed.  There was momentary silence during which I lay down again and closed eyes, only to be hit with 'Squeeeeeeeeeeoooooooo'.

Got up.  Used nose drops until back of head felt like I'd been inhaling sherbet.  Wandered around house until sure noise was gone, then returned to bed.  Lay down.  'OOooooooEEEEeeeeee'.

Timing now different.  Held breath to check.  'OOoooooEEEEEEooooooo'.

Got up and shut window. Bloody owls.

This is the face they make while they're doing it.  So they can pretend to be surprised that you've caught them.

So now I'm several nights' sleep adrift, my brain has turned to mushy peas, and I have to think of an entertaining and informative subject on which to blog.

Look.  Over there!  Isn't that Bill Oddie? 


Fennie said...

Hallo Jane, I've come here via Kath Eastman's blog party but I've seen you on Chris Stovell's blog. Hope your cold is better and the owls (doesn't he look sweet?) give you a break. Must be Yorkshire owls - ours are better behaved!

Talli Roland said...

This sounds like the perfect description of my past two weeks. Except my husband (being a smug doctor) informed me that blowing my nose would make it worse and I should 'sniff it up'. Ten years of medical training, and that's the advice I get? Pah.

Jane Lovering said...

Hi Fennie - it's lovely to see you over here! Thanks for coming - I hope the Nuts party is still in full swing and they haven't discovered what I did behind the sofa yet. We have an ash tree in the garden that the owls sit in and twit (or OooooEEEE, depending on species) right in my open window. Buggers.

Talli - hope your cold got better too. Still, it's a good excuse to lie around looking wan and pathetic, isn't it? I got out of dogwalking and washing up!

Chris Stovell said...

Well, you can keep your cold germs oop North, although the squeaky nose noises might dampen the ardour of next-door's cats who have mistaken my garden for a love nest. Hope you feel much better soon... although obviously you will need to rest from onerous duties like dog walking and washing up.

Kath said...

*holds out bag of miniature snot sculptures* Yours, I believe? I found them behind the sofa at the Wales Blog Party...

We have owls in our garden that sound like they're making the owl noises people make when they're pretending they're owls and are being Famous Five-types on lookout. I am convinced we have a secret society in our back garden.

'Sniff it up'? Whatever happened to better out than in, Talli?

Hope everyone feels better soon. Aren't you all peaking a bit too soon on this cold lark? It's still only Autumn.

Sarah Callejo said...

Lucky I wasn't drinking anything as I read this or that would be coming out of my nose. I couldn't stop laughing.