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Sunday, 24 April 2011

Bonkers Blog Birthday Bash.

I am going to be an audio book.  Well, not me, personally, because they'd never squeeze me into the CD cases and I am far too pretty to be reduced to an Mp3 file, and my nose would stick out and everyone would be all embarrassed when they came to try to close the thing down with bits of me poking all over the place.  No.  Specifically my books are going to be audio books.  All three books.  And no, I have no idea who will be reading them, hopefully it won't be someone with a lisp, there's an awful lot of 'ssss' in my books, or someone who persists in reading in a dodgy Lithuanian accent or (and please take notes here) no-one who pronounces the word 'scone' as 'scon'. I'm not even sure if there are any scones in any of the books, but it's the principle of the thing.

Repeat after me 'this is not a scon.'

I'd also like readers who don't eat crisps during the recording (it holds up a romantic scene something chronic if someone has to break off to search their bag of Sensations Thai Red Chili flavour for a really big one) and no-one needs their suspensful prose to be punctuated by the sound of Walkers Cheese and Onion belches. Or anyone who smells of pork scratchings, which doesn't affect their reading at all but makes me uneasy.

Anyway.  My wants are small and simple (all right, shut up laughing now.  My wants are small and simple, it was only that one time with the diamonds and the mansion, and the whole racehorse thing is so yesterday), and these are they.  So any audio recorders reading this, please take note, because I won't be responsible for my actions if the whole 'scone' thing raises its head, all right?

Now, to other news.  This blog, quite unremarked by local TV, news and any passing skywriting planes, has passed its first birthday!  Yes, now it's got teeth and it can walk and say simple sentences!  And, I am also pleased to report, the number of kind people who pass through and make nice remarks is growing by the day.  Yes, this blog is quite the place to be seen now, as long as you don't mind being seen in just your underwear or running frivolously through a large meadow with daisies in your hair and a kind of blissfully vacant look in your eyes.  BEHIND THE KEYBOARD is an up and coming place.  Or at least, this blog is.  Being behind the keyboard usually brings me out in anxious hives, and my knees sweat.

So.  Yes.  Happy Birthday to this Blog.  You'll have to imagine the sad little squeaker sound and the pathetic noise of a single balloon deflating because sound effects are expensive.  You will also have to imagine the taste of birthday cake, and the tortured squeals of anyone who tried to slip a scon past me.

12 comments:

Tracy Tidswell said...

Happy Birthday Blog! Soon you'll be able to wee all by yourself.
Also, I could jump in the car and drive over there and kiss you for the 'scone/scon' thing! I have lived in this Yorkshire place for nearly 11 years and still can't make myself say scon, it's not right. And while we're at it, they are cakes, not buns. Buns are made out of bread or are attached to fit young men (apparently) so just leave it.
Maybe audio books are the answer to my little problem of being unable to read your books without hearing your voice, which is all fine and lovely until there is a rudey bit. Congratulations by the way xx

Jane Lovering said...

May my audio books be the answer to all your problems, even the non-setting lemony stuff ones. And yes, scone. They always were, and they always will be.

Bill Kirton said...

I expect you've already had a few conversations with Scots who inform you that the stone on which the Kings of Scotland were crowned is the Stone of Scone (pronounced Scoon - but not 'The Stoon of Scoon').

LindyLouMac in Italy said...

Happy Birthday to your blog and how exciting that your novels are to be audio books.

Margaret James said...

Happy Sconeday to You and your Blog!

Jane Lovering said...

@ Bill - yep, my other half is a Scot (who pronounces scones correctly), but the Stoon of Scoon just brings up shades of Sean Bean...

@ LindyLou and Margaret - thank you both. But that would be ScownDay, now, wouldn't it, Margaret?

Gesine, iambik audio said...

Dear Jane, I'll pass on your dictate re scone pronunciation to the narrators (along with any other hints and tips you have re characters etc)! :) Very happy to be doing audiobooks for you.
And Happy Birthday Blog!

Elizabeth Currie said...

Tomaytoes, potaytoes, that sort of thing? Would scawn do? I really was very genuinely on my way to your blog when I tripped over your kind comment on mine first, so replied to that! And happy birthday dear blog! (I never realised - it's a Taurean - just - right?). I can only hope mine is half as popular as yours in a year's time. But mine don't make nearly such entertaining reading. And I would so like the chance to upload a photo of me in my underwear (you might not) but never got the chance, although the vacant look rarely leaves me, so it's the usual plain old boring me (no daisies, nuffing). But your cake looks truly awesome. Did you bake that and the scawn too?? (Hope it was a good birthday!!)

Flowerpot said...

Very exciting news and happy scon and blog birthday. That scone's got me hungry...

Jane Lovering said...

@Gesine - d'you know I'm not actually sure that the word 'scone' occurs in any of my books? But it's the principle that counts.

@Elizabeth..hmmm...not sure I should be encouraging people to talk of photographs of them in their underwear, next thing I know I'll be getting those very odd e-mails again, asking me if I want to enlarge things I haven't even got...

@Flowerpot - you've clearly never tasted my scones...

Talli Roland said...

Yay! Happy birthday blog! Does it want a face flannel?

Cori Samuel said...

It's me -- I'm going to read your book! I'm really looking forward to it. And, I hereby do solemnly swear: I will always say "scone" and never "scon", and if you have any "isthmuses" in the book, I'm really good at saying that too (though admittedly I did initially spend 15 minutes trying to pronounce the 'th' in the middle before caving in and checking a pronunciation guide.) No dodgy Lithuanian accent, no lisp, and I hope my rather flabby Rs won't cause too much concern. And, thankyou for writing it!