Dear Interested Party
Hello. Can I call you Interested? Or do you prefer Mr Party? No, I suppose that does make you sound a bit like the local drug supplier, all right, I shall call you Interested. Or Inter? How about that? Or, since we know each other (or it feels as if I know you, we've spent so long together - well, I suppose together is stretching things a bit, you've been reading my blog whilst I've been lounging around eating Walnut Whips and painting my toenails) I could call you Int.
Anyway. Dear Int.
You might have noticed that my blog post last week was... well, absent. Missing. Lost in Action.
Oh. You didn't notice. All right then, ignore all of the above. Honestly, I only came by here to explain why I wasn't around last week, and you don't even seem to have registered my absence! Here I am, slaving, typing my fingers to the bone, and you can't even be bothered to notice that I wasn't here! Okay, noticing that I wasn't here is hard, I'll admit that, it's a bit tricky to see something that's missing. Perhaps I should have informed you that I'd be 'not there' instead of expecting you to find me gone; a bit like a form of Blog Pelmanism ( "what's the missing item?" Er, is it a plastic pig?). Oh come on, Pelmanism? That game where you cover the tray and take one item away? No, it's nothing to do with curtains, that's pelmets. Why would I have a blog pelmet? That would be like having a Facebook valence. Or Twitter trim.
Well anyway. I wasn't here. But I am now, not that you care. I could have been lying dead in a ditch, my last words going unregistered and unheard apart from half a dozen water beetles and a passing hedgehog (weak cough Tell them I did it all for them cough cough And don't forget it's recycling day on Wednesday... cough choke splutter expire). What? I never said my last words would be interesting, I just said that you wouldn't have heard them because you didn't even notice that I wasn't here to say them. In fact I'm thinking about saying my last words right now, even though I don't intend on going anywhere - I've heard that you can't take it with you when you go, so in that case I'm not going - just so that you can be forced to hear them.
I just need some good Last Words now. 'I told you I was ill'? 'The winning lottery ticket is hidden in the...'?
'Luke, I am your father'? (probably can't carry that one off, since I only know one person called Luke and we're both pretty sure that I'm not his father, for various reasons, me being female being only one of them.)
Any suggestions? No, Int, I'm not talking to you. Ever Again. You didn't even notice I wasn't here... Next time I'll give you a hint...