I am going to be an audio book. Well, not me, personally, because they'd never squeeze me into the CD cases and I am far too pretty to be reduced to an Mp3 file, and my nose would stick out and everyone would be all embarrassed when they came to try to close the thing down with bits of me poking all over the place. No. Specifically my books are going to be audio books. All three books. And no, I have no idea who will be reading them, hopefully it won't be someone with a lisp, there's an awful lot of 'ssss' in my books, or someone who persists in reading in a dodgy Lithuanian accent or (and please take notes here) no-one who pronounces the word 'scone' as 'scon'. I'm not even sure if there are any scones in any of the books, but it's the principle of the thing.
Repeat after me 'this is not a scon.'
I'd also like readers who don't eat crisps during the recording (it holds up a romantic scene something chronic if someone has to break off to search their bag of Sensations Thai Red Chili flavour for a really big one) and no-one needs their suspensful prose to be punctuated by the sound of Walkers Cheese and Onion belches. Or anyone who smells of pork scratchings, which doesn't affect their reading at all but makes me uneasy.
Anyway. My wants are small and simple (all right, shut up laughing now. My wants are small and simple, it was only that one time with the diamonds and the mansion, and the whole racehorse thing is so yesterday), and these are they. So any audio recorders reading this, please take note, because I won't be responsible for my actions if the whole 'scone' thing raises its head, all right?
Now, to other news. This blog, quite unremarked by local TV, news and any passing skywriting planes, has passed its first birthday! Yes, now it's got teeth and it can walk and say simple sentences! And, I am also pleased to report, the number of kind people who pass through and make nice remarks is growing by the day. Yes, this blog is quite the place to be seen now, as long as you don't mind being seen in just your underwear or running frivolously through a large meadow with daisies in your hair and a kind of blissfully vacant look in your eyes. BEHIND THE KEYBOARD is an up and coming place. Or at least, this blog is. Being behind the keyboard usually brings me out in anxious hives, and my knees sweat.
So. Yes. Happy Birthday to this Blog. You'll have to imagine the sad little squeaker sound and the pathetic noise of a single balloon deflating because sound effects are expensive. You will also have to imagine the taste of birthday cake, and the tortured squeals of anyone who tried to slip a scon past me.
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