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Sunday, 8 January 2012

Symmetrical Dates, Stoat Grins, Body Snatching and Men.

OK, so we're a week into 2012, how's everyone finding it?  I feel it's a distinct improvement on 2011, but lacks a certain something when compared to 1804, although it does have that lovely 'bookended' feel to it.  I do like a symmetry in my dates, and am looking forward to 2020 like you wouldn't believe.

So, now that Christmas has slithered past like a greasy eel, 2012 has been launched down the slipway, aided by many bottles of fizzy stuff, and we're peering forwards to the promise of summer whilst grabbing handfuls of our Christmas flab and wondering whether 'hold-it-all-in' swimsuits really do hold it all in or let large amounts of it drift down the legs until a slender upper half is offset by enormously chunky knees, let us think about something else.

Here is a short list of things I am currently thinking about:

1.  The horrors of having my passport photo taken.  If I don't smile, I look like my dad.  If I do smile, I look like a hamster about to go for your throat.  Neither of these are conducive to international travel.

2.  Vampires.  Pondering on why on earth people should think that vampires don't have a reflection.  I mean, my vampires are humans infected with a parasite demon, and, if they had a reflection before why would a parasitic infection stop them being seen in mirrors?  I had roundworms once, and all they did was give me an itchy bottom - if they'd made me invisible to cameras it would have been a good thing, see above.  And where would it stop?  Could having a tapeworm mean that you couldn't write in anything but blue crayon?  And, while I am on the subject of vampires, please don't talk to me about sparkling.  Just don't.

Can we all say 'anti-evolutionary disadvantage'?

3.  Chocolate.  But, you know, nothing new there.  Although I am here to tell you that there is such a thing as too much chocolate.  Just believe me on that one, I did the research so you don't have to.

4.  Graveyards.  Well, churchyards, really, and mostly just the gravestones.  It's research, honest.  But if you should happen to be strolling through a dimly-lit graveyard one evening and startle a woman who, when she smiles looks uncannily like a rabid stoat, it will be me so pass on your way without interfering, and, no, the book I have in mind does not feature graverobbing, so if I have a shovel please stop me.  For the good of us all.

5.  Men.  It is my turn to produce a 'Wednesday Desirable Male' for the Choc Lit blog on 15 February and this is a subject which requires much deep thought.  Lots and lots of deep thought, more Googling than you would have thought possible, and a small amount of smutty sniggering.  Sigh.  It's a tough job but, there you go, someone has to do it.

Right. Better go and practice my passport face in the mirror until I find one which will both allow me into, and also out of, the country of my choice without sirens and full-body searches, finish off this box of chocolates and book on 'Body Snatching for Beginners' and then go and think about men a bit more.

And if anyone has any suggestions for men that I might think hot, please let me know.  I've used Tony Robinson and David Mitchell already, and after that it's all a bit of a blank.... 


Chris Stovell said...

Please don't come for me for help with no. 5, I have enough trouble finding my own (candidates, that is, not any other bits and pieces).
And just what is wrong with your smile, Missy? No rabid hamsters from where I'm looking!

Jane Lovering said...

You've clearly not seen me doing 'demented stoat', for which I refer you to any and all photos taken of me over the Christmas period. I blame the gin.

And the search for eligible...ahem, I mean, gorgeous men can be so wearing, can't it?

Kath said...

Our chocolate studies seem to have overlapped. I, too, have come to the conclusion that there is, sadly, a thing as too much chocolate. (I swear I didn't realise you were on the case, as well, or I would have stopped. Yeah, right.)

I'm just hoping that 4 and 5 aren't related and you plan on digging up your Wednesday hottie... *shudders*