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Sunday, 10 June 2012

Melissa Nathan Awards clothing question - leg of pork or Henry the VIII?

Ah, there you are.  Now, what can I tell you that might engage your perpetually-flitting minds?  I know.  Next Tuesday I am invited to the exotically named Cafe de Paris which, inexplicably, is in London, not Paris, for the Melissa Nathan Awards.  Once there, I am reliably informed, there will be champagne.
Yes, we all know I would be more at home with this.  But it's not on offer.  Champagne or nothing, all right?  Anyways.  Or, as people have a rueful tendency to say around here 'any road up'. Which is odd, don't you think, because if the road is up, then one cannot, by definition, travel along it.  You might as well say 'any diversion that doesn't go via Birmingham' or 'the M25' and have the same effect.  Bugger, now where was I? Ah, yes.  Me, Cafe de Paris, champagne... Ah yes, and the ever-present 'frock problem' rears its head once again.

So far I have got away with it.  I have worn Dress Number 1 and Dress Number 2 to the two events that have necessitated my appearance in something other than a duffel coat and socks, and now we hit the main problem - which dress do I wear again?  There are a significant number of photographs of me wearing both dresses (no, not at once, come on I don't need any MORE help to look gigantically fat), so I pose you this question; 'which dress do I wear again and hope that people don't take photographs of me which might therefore reveal that I have only 2 dresses?'  Futhermore, one of the dresses makes me look as though I have been ruthlessly triangulated in the lower portions, and the other makes me look like a leg of badly-cooked pork.  For proof, I refer you to here and also here where there are pictures of people wearing proper clothes, and me in my lampshade or culinary disaster.

And no, I cannot go and buy another dress. For one thing, or a), I don't have any money, and for another, or b) I refuse to buy things that I will never wear again.  So until someone invents a dress that I can wear for work (clue, must be laughter-and-mockery proof and resistant to acid), to walk the dogs in (MUST be waterproof, for the love of God, I'm not some kind of masochist), ride horses in (and no, sidesaddle is not an option, have you seen the size of me?  Watching horses tip over sideways might be funny for YOU, but you're not the one underneath, are you?) and with the world's most forgiving waistband, then I have to stick to the ones I already have.

I suppose I could try to make the dress look different by standing differently in it.  So far I have favoured the 'legs slightly apart' pose, a la Henry the Eighth.


Exactly like this, only without the beard.  It both makes me look keen and eager and also slightly desperate for the toilet and, since I am usually all of these, it works nicely. And I'm not sure that I can stand in any other way, not without someone sawing the heel off one of my shoes, in which case I will stand pretty much like this, only with added lurch.

Oh, and then we get to the shoe problem, and, after last time, I am NOT going there again.  Wellingtons are acceptable anywhere, all right?

So, if you happen to find yourself in central London on Tuesday night and you meet someone who appears to be wearing a dog blanket fastened around the middle with string, it may be me.  Or it may be a tramp.  Either way, give them 50p and tell them to have a nice night.  And to take it easy on the Irn Bru...

8 comments:

D.J. Kirkby said...

I have laughed ut loud at least 6 times reading this post! Happy to lend you a frock. Seriously, I think we should start an event frock upcycling thingy....

Jan Jones said...

Dress two, darling. It's lucky :)

Chris Stovell said...

I want to say that the outfit doesn't matter because who cares what you're wearing when you're clutching a sparkly award in your hot little hand... except that I'm familiar with this clothes problem (though not the award bit, so no one, as Ma would say, is looking at me anyway). Just wear the one you feel most comfortable in. Here's wishing you every success on Tuesday and congratulations on being shortlisted for another great award.

Jane Lovering said...

@DJ Kirkby - excellent! Frock Exchange! Only...who else would want to look like an uncooked porcine?

Jan - you are right. Lucky dress Number Two it is.

Chris - thank you! And generally people aren't looking at me so much as quietly wondering if I REALLY said what they thought I said..

kate johnson said...

I'd say based on those sets of photos, both dresses are lucky!

Best of luck for Tuesday, you'll wipe the floor with 'em. Just don't do it with your dress.

Flowerpot said...

Best of luck I am sure it will go beautifully - whaetver you wear - longing to know what happens!

Talli Roland said...

Good luck tonight, Jane! :)

LindyLouMac in Italy said...

I am sure it does not matter what you wear to these events, hope you found something suitable in the wardrobe.