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Sunday, 17 March 2013

Facebook Side Bar Adverts - if she 'looks 27' then I look 17...

I've just had another one.  After all the fuss I made about the last one, you'd think they would have learned their lesson, wouldn't you?  But no, I look again today, and there it is....

Oh.  Sorry, yes.  Here I am talking about Facebook Side Bar Adverts.  Specifically, adverts that have a headline such as 'Mom (yes, Mom, because I am clearly American) of 51 looks 27', accompanied by a picture of a woman who looks like a fish.  She also looks well the far side of 51.  Unless, I am now allowing the possibility, she is 51 in tortoise-years.  And therefore looking 27 also in tortoise years and, as I am reliably informed (well, I asked a child and they always know these things) tortoises - the big ones, because this woman is NOT SMALL and you would not want to find her in your garden with a name painted on her shell, eating your lettuces - can live to be 200, which would make her around 56 in human years, which is probably nearer the mark.

And now I've got a new one.  A woman who, this time, looks younger, but has a mouth that...well...look

and this is inviting me to buy a product that will 'erase wrinkles', apparently.  Well, yes, I can see how that would work, blow my mouth up to the size of a small football and there won't be enough skin left on my face to have wrinkles.  I will look like a very surprised, and young, puffer-fish.  Which, of course, is what I look for in an advert.  I am also constantly being invited to follow a diet upon which 'Victoria Beckham (or sometimes Kate Middleton or Cheryl Cole) lost four stone in five weeks by following 2 simple steps'.

Well, for one thing, if any of these three women ever needed to lose four stone in five weeks, I suspect that the two simple steps they took would be up into a private clinic where they would have the surplus stoneage removed whilst they lay on a bed and read Chat Magazine, and also, if they lost four stone, even collectively, they would become completely invisible and could, therefore, take as many steps as they wanted because we wouldn't be able to see them do it.  And, no, thank you Facebook, I don't need to lose four stone anyway...

I could block the ads, but I derive a perverse kind of enjoyment from them. For example, one is currently attempting to sell me 'new season ballet pumps in exciting colours', which makes me puzzle on so many levels...how can there be 'new season' ballet pumps?  Were there any old season ones? They look just the same as last year's ballet pumps, would anyone know if I were to secretly wear those, and merely pretend that I was wearing the new season ones? And how does Facebook know what I consider to be 'exciting' in a colour?  I mean, they might think that bright red is exciting, whereas I regard it as merely 'fairly interesting', and yet become stimulated beyond reason at a vague shade of primrose yellow.

Besides, if I block them I would no longer get this..

and it's this cuteness that makes my days worthwhile. All right, I'm odd.


9 comments:

Mandy K James said...

This made me chuckle. I then had a coughing fit which left me gasping for air and turning blue. Paramedics had to be called and one asked if I neded to lose four stone and/or would I like a couple of inner tubes for a mouth. They had just read your blog too and couldn't resist. Hope you are happy that your words have such a powerful effect. xx

Jane Lovering said...

One does what one can, Mandy... I don't suppose they had a view on ballet pumps, at all? Hope your coughing has calmed down a bit now.

Stephanie_C said...

Funny, Mandy! Jane, I asked a fashionista friend about the ballet pump thing, and apparently last season's ballet pumps were 'single tone' while this season's are 'two-tone' or print. So I want to know, which tone were they in last season? F? B flat? And do the two-tone ones cunningly make a noise like a police siren when you walk in them?

Jane Lovering said...

Stephanie, most of my shoes make a kind of 'eerrr-eeerrr' noise as I walk. I put it down to needing to lose that four stone... And now I am sitting here worrying that I'm wearing LAST SEASON'S SHOES! How will I live this down??

Chris Stovell said...

Mine's currently inviting me to get paid far more than I earn writing to participate in a clinical trial, presumably to turn me into the next Fish Woman. I'm also being encouraged to meet a Hot Single, I'm not sure OH would approve or that the Hot Singles are especially hot, either way I'm not tempted. Now, where's the contact number for that clinical trial...
Ha! The word verification thingy is 'Roarvelle'! Awesome! I'm off for a roarvellicious day.

Jane Lovering said...

Presumably Roarvelle is the noise made by the hot single, when you attempt to toast marshmallows over them...? I never get Hot Singles... Hog Singles, yes, but I've never wanted to meet a lonely pig.

Rhoda Baxter said...

Hot singles sound more interesting than cold ones.
I wonder if they are the new season's singles of last searsons. I suppose the new ones are probably two-tone.

I didn't know David Mitchell had a beard. I clearly need to stay in more.

Roarvelletastically,
Rhoda

Flowerpot said...

I've been getting those ads too Jane which make me laugh. Well frankly anything that makes you laugh has to be good news I think x

Guernsey Girl said...

I'm not sure which made me laugh more - the hilarious picture of 'Lucy Lips' or your blog, Jane!