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Sunday, 29 September 2013

In which I am stressed by the failure of domestic appliances.

This has not been a good month here.  Now, I don't wish to burden you with my woes, but since you are already here and I've locked the doors, I'm going to, anyway, and you needn't think that you're getting your hands on my Hobnobs unless you maintain a suitably sympathetic silence, with occasional nods of empathy. After that, we'll see, but I warn you that the biscuit tin lid is rigged with explosives, so don't try sneaking a hand in unless you want to be sponging custard creams out of your ears all night, all right?

My car needs a new clutch
My washing machine is broken beyond repair
My hoover's revolutionary Powered Head has inexplicably lost its power and I now have to hoover a dog-haired carpet with an upholstery brush..

Who sniggered?  I heard someone snigger there! I demand that you all assume a solemn expression, this is important, as you will soon discover when you try to sit down and disappear in a cloud of dog-fluff...

the Big Car needs taxing and new tyres (also MOT and something called a 'timing belt', but since I don't know what that is I shall just nod and smile whenever it is mentioned)
I owe the Council Tax people, on top of everything else I am paying them, a mysterious £50. I don't know what it's for, I just got a letter telling me I owed it. So I rang them up, and they don't seem to know what it's for either, but they were able to assure me that, oh yes, I quite definitely owed it to them. For... you know... reasons.
Tax returns.  No, nothing specific regarding those tax returns just... they exist, and I have to do them. That's quite enough for someone who lives in World of Chaos (it's like World of Leather but it moves around more) since it involves piling up bits of paper.
This is what my brain looks like from the inside.


What it should be like. Apparently.
So, as you will see, I have an extended period of screaming to be getting on with. This may delay me, somewhat, from actually doing anything that needs doing, but I find screaming so therapeutic, don't you? Besides which, it keeps people from getting their hands on your chocolate wafers - it takes a very brave person to tackle someone who keeps yelling "Things! So many THINGS!" while shaking a mop head and brandishing a packet of paper clips.

So if you see me during the next few weeks, just pat me kindly on the shoulder or, for those who wisely don't want to get that close, just hold out some chocolate. On the end of a stick. Probably, to be safe, a very long stick...

Oh look. Now someone's detonated the bourbons...

4 comments:

Me-Time Tales said...

You have touched a spot with the beauteous pic of how things should be for I own its counterpart, only I don't have the courage to display it. In fact I don't want to recognise it exists.

angela britnell said...

Holding out a very long stick all the way from Nashville with a stale Hershey bar on the end - you'll have to be desperate to eat that!

Chris Stovell said...

I feel your pain... our car is still stuck together with black tape and now the oven has started making an unpleasant screaming noise. Hope our Big Fat Film Deals turn up soon, until then I shall join you in some comfort biscuit eating.

Jane Lovering said...

Thank you all for your sympathy. I am feeling it from here, although that could be the remains of the stale Hershey bar.... You are right, Chris, our only hope is Richard Curtis! If he doesn't want to make us into films, perhaps he'd lend us a tenner until Tuesday...