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Monday, 25 April 2016

Scene One:  Int: Day. Careers Office, St Conglomerates School for Wayward Boys

*The careers officer, Mr Huge, is sucking his pipe and staring into the middle distance.  There is a knock at the door.

Huge: Come in!

Frogworthy enters.  He is a small boy for his age, head slightly too large for his body, and a stoop to his shoulders that speaks of too much time in darkened rooms.  

Frogworthy:  Thank you for seeing me, Mr Huge.  I've finally decided what I want to do when I leave  St Conglomerates.

Huge:  Well, it's about time, you are forty-seven.  Now, I see here on your school entry form that your father is a highly regarded criminal, is that right?  In Wandsworth 'doing a twenty' as I believe they say?

Frogworthy:  Yes, sir.

Huge:  And your mother disappeared running guns and ammunition to a small west African country in return for diamonds and, and I quote 'permanent access to the all-you-can-eat buffet'?

Frogworthy:  Sir.

Huge (removing his pipe from his mouth and turning his gaze to Frogworthy) Well, lad, I wonder what career you've settled on that could do justice to your dear parents.

Frogworthy:  I'm going to be an author, sir.

The pipe hits the floor.  Huge begins to sob.

Huge:  But the school, lad! Think of the good name of the school!

*This actually happens. Never tell a careers teacher you want to be an author.  You'll find yourself on a nursing course or doing a degree in Geography before you can blink.


Sarah Waights said...

As Dorothy Parker so perfectly observes: “If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.”

angela britnell said...

It never occurred to me that non-famous people actually wrote books! I remember being offered teaching or nursing and ended up in the Navy :)

Chrissie Beee said...

Writing is one of those 'unreal' jobs like acting, singing and painting. How many of us have been ordered to get a REAL job.

Carol Hedges said...

My History teacher said I'd make a good author as most of what I wrote was a load of made-up drivel. See!! (She didn't like me)

kate johnson said...

I actually DID tell my careers advisor I wanted to be a novelist. She said stuff like 'here's a GNVQ in proofreading' and 'but you don't have the right A Levels to study English'.

She was basically Sigourney Weaver's character in Galaxy Quest: her job was to repeat what the computer said...

Jane Lovering said...

You know the worst of it? Schools no longer have careers advisors! At least, the one I worked in, and the one my kids went to (two different schools, so not a complete sample, but there you go. Now they just hand out some brochures to kids and tell them to pick something... no advice, no guidance, just 'here are jobs. Get one.'